Kill ‘Em All: Action Blu-Ray Review

WellGo USA
Director: Raimund Huber
Writer: Ken Miller
Stars: Johnny Messner, Chia Hui Liu and Ammara Siripong
(From imdb.com)
Purchase here! Oh hell please don’t!

What they say: Captured international assassins are locked up inside a high-tech bunker known as the Killing Chamber. To break out of this concrete hell they must duel each other, fight deadly ninjas and battle against gangs of masked maniacs. And. if they survive this, they will have to confront Snakehead: the lethal, deranged top dog who will stop at nothing to kill ‘em all.

What I say: Can you imagine the pre-production meeting about this film?

Executive 1: We need to pump out a fresh new film.

Executive 2: I know! Let’s knock off Saw, the kids love Saw! It’s what hot.

Executive 1: I like it! But we need some kind of twist.

Producer: (As he snorts a line of coke) I got a crazy idea. Let’s mix it with that indie kung fu flick everybody was raving about. Ya know; The Raid: Redemption.

Executive 1: Hmmmm, a Saw kung fu flick?

Executive 2: Hell yeah! How can we lose? Can we put ninjas in it too?

Executive 1: Screw it, I’m in. Who will write the script?

Producer: Script? We will just make that shit up as we go!

Executive 2: Ninjas!

All three laugh and snort more coke.

If that isn’t what happened, or something very much like it, I would be truly surprised. This…film…is so utterly ridiculous from top to bottom, I don’t know where to start.

A bunch of assassins are kidnapped (Wait a damn minute! It they are truly the best, how were they captured so easy???) and dumped in a Saw looking concrete room. A voice comes over the intercom and tells them that they must fight one-on-one until there is only one left. This person will be crowned the winner and then they get hot cocoa…or something.

Every single action movie stereotype is represented, because we wouldn’t want to leave anyone out, right? We have the ice cold female assassin, the brash American muscle man, the Asian psycho, the drunken Irish brute, and oh hell, you can figure out the rest. They are give supplies and there are numbers on them that determines who fights. The winner gets to go into a room and pick out a weapon presumably to help you in the next fight. This goes on for a while and the numbers get paired down. They eventually try to break out and suddenly Ninjas arrive to fight them. Folks, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

After getting past the ninjas the survivors must now climb the floors of the building to get to the top in order to find and kill the boss. Sound familiar yet? Naturally the boss’ goons fight them along the way and damn it I’m tired of writing about this crap. Enough!

The Blu-Ray transfer looks pretty good but that’s like praising a polished turd. Everything, even the dumb stuff, is crystal clear. There are no special features to speak of as you have seen all the coke they were on when they dreamed this garbage up. And could you imagine anyone trying to talk about and defend this? I would throw myself to a ninja before I would.

Needless to say, this movie is pretty bad. Alas, not bad enough to enjoy for a laugh.

Movie: 4/10
Blu-Ray: Currently being chewed up by my dog. Hopefully he does not get sick.

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